POLA KOMAROWA

THEN I WAS AFRAID OF MYSELF

2021

“Then I was afraid of myself” are unnoticed and previously untold stories of people who experienced psychological violence at different times in their lives. The meetings during which this material was created were an attempt to recreate those traumatic memories that had been deeply buried until then.
Emotional abuse can be likened to being locked inside a box. First you think you're in a treasure box, that you're there because you're special. After a while, the box begins to shrink, every time you touch the walls, a so-called "argument" ensues. So you try to conform to the shape, you curl up, you get smaller, you get quieter, you remove parts of your personality, which causes you to lose your understanding of who you are and what parts you are made of. You give up interests, friends and family, you change your behavior.
And the box continues to shrink. You think it's your fault. The fault is that you're too big and don't fit in the box. What you don't understand is that you'll never, ever be small enough to fit in. Sometimes what cereal you buy affects how you'll be treated at home, so the weight of that choice is unimaginable. This fear, guilt and panic affect the whole body, self-destructive behaviors occur. By trying to take refuge from arguments, you hurt yourself even more. Home is a place that is associated with family warmth, a safe haven. In the case of victims of violence, the function of the home space is reversed. Forced to seek another shelter. In front of the house?

Dwa za jeden, Pożarowa 2

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